How (Not) to Talk to Adoptive Families: Part III

Yep. Part III. (Haven't read Parts I and II? Click here and here respectively.)

Yesterday I was at a kid's birthday party with 2.5-year-old daughter in Shanghai and I met a woman from Eastern Europe. A seemingly smart woman who has lived in Shanghai for five years, is married to a guy from a different country than her own, is mom to a one-year-old daughter, and will give birth to her second in September.

Pretty savvy, right?

So we were chatting. The normal expat chatter: "How long have you lived here? Whose job brought you here?" Yadda, yadda, yadda. A few kids raced past. The woman said, "Which one is yours?"

I pointed to Tully as she screeched to a halt in front of me. "That one."

The woman jolted upright. "That one?" she said, pointing at Tully as if there was no way in hell that one could be my daughter.

"Yep, this one," I said, once again indicating Tully who was by then wrapped around my legs.

Because I'm very familiar with the "big-crap-is-about-to-come-out-of-this-person's-mouth-about-adoption" tone of voice, I knew I should have scooped Tully up in my arms and headed home...or at least hightailed it to a different room.

But before I could move or speak, the woman tossed back her head and laughed. Then she said, "Who is her father?"

"Excuse me?" I said. But then somehow instead of punching this obviously-not-so-smart woman in the face (which is what I really want to do), I ended up explaining that my husband was from Ireland and that we had adopted Tully from Vietnam.

All while Tully was standing there, looking up at me, hugging my legs, and listening.

Then the woman said, "Oh, my god, how did you feel when they plopped a one-year-old in your arms?"

I wanted to say, "In love. Peaceful. The happiest I've ever been in my life. Glowy. Thankful. Totally overwhelmed. Frightened. Just like every other mom in the world--birth or adoptive," but instead I sat there fighting back the tears because all I could think was "Tully is listening to this nincompoop."

Of course, the woman couldn't leave well enough alone. She studied us for a few minutes, then said, "You know, she kind of resembles you. Thin. Long face. She could almost be your daughter."

"Uh, dumb-ass," I should have said, "she is."

But instead...I sat frozen in my seat, confounded by this woman's brazen insensitivity. My face flaming with anger and mortification.

To be fair, the woman's husband looked a little embarrassed as she spoke, and I believe he actually sensed my discomfort. Maybe his wife is a nincompoop all the time. Maybe she's just one of those people who, no matter what the circumstance, sticks her big foot in her mouth.

Today?

I'm pissed at myself...because I didn't handle the conversation better...because I haven't yet gotten down a smooth response to people like this...because I feel like I didn't protect Tully properly.

But don't worry. I'll be fine. My hubs and I have an ongoing conversation about how best to respond to intrusive questions/comments about our family. It's a process...like everything else in life.

___

Photo by Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Comments

[Rose]

I'm terrible with on the spot come-backs and defense. Like you, I get home and conjure up all the things I should have said and wanted to say.

Any non-nincompoop with half a heart would have said with affection and respect (because she is, too, a mother), "she's beautiful," after you pointed out your daughter, and left it at that. Some people are unfortunately unequipped with filters that can process sensitive thought.

I'm sure one day I'll be writing about all the non-sensical things that get said about my half-Turkish half-American children. While I'm not in the same situation as you, I can definitely relate to fending off comments.

Good luck - I agree - it's all a process.

[Casey Freeland]

You could throw food at her, make your daughter think you are playing some kind of party game and then skip away with her, laughing at your really good shot.

[Diana]

WOW! I am amazed at the ignorance of some people. Your daughter will grow up wise by your example. Be proud.

[Carla]

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Good luck!

[Tracy Hahn-Burkett]

The things that people say to adoptive parents, ESPECIALLY in the presence of their kids, never ceases to amaze me. And despite the fact that I hear this stuff all the time, I frequently find myself disappointed in my own response when someone directs an ignorant or rude comment at me with regard to my family. It's hard to be clever or effective when you're just so darn shocked at another person's behavior.

My daughter--whom my husband and I adopted from South Korea--is now five, however, and I have gotten better at this both because I've had time to practice and because I feel the pressure that comes from knowing she now understands more of what people say. Thus I was finally able to respond with a polite remark that silenced a rude, older man who was certain I would love his comments about Koreans being hard workers. (I blogged about this incident at http://unchartedparent.com/?p=985.)

It's still tough to always be "on" in case you have to respond to someone, though, and I imagine it's even harder in your situation with the added element of living in a culture that's not your own. You've got an additional cultural layer through which you must filter all of these interactions; that's a lot of pressure!

In case it makes you feel any better, I'll include a link here to a piece I wrote last fall called "10 Things Not to Say to Adoptive Parents--Especially in Front of Their Kids." (http://www.babble.com/parents-adoption-advice/index.aspx) It includes some of the answers we adoptive parents so often wish we could give when we hear these comments, but for various reasons we don't.

The bottom line on handling adoption comments: you're right, it's a process. It takes a long time to figure out how to do it, and it's going to change anyway as your child gets older. But you're thinking through it and working on it, and that's how you get there.

[theinternationalmom.wordpress.com]

Oh, Kristin. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that you are dealing, like the majority of adoptive parents, with all of this insensitivity. I could write pages about this (and as you know, I have "your own", "real," etc.). Find some pat answers that will work for you. When people ask , I often respond, "Why do you want to know?" You will, if you haven't already, develop an antenna for people like this and be able to cut the off or walk away...or use a code word. Hang in there. Give yourself a break, okay? You are a wonderful mother.
Judy